I had stopped doing yoga Somehow taking care of myself wasn’t important anymore I think the worst part about it is I spent more time alone that last year we were together than ever before
I felt easily Disposable And within that disposability I found myself again. Here had lied my take on it But then I realized that was not his take at all
There was a lot done for me A lot that I could’ve done for myself There were endless errands ran on my behalf But he loved doing little things for me Many times I didn’t have to ask Juice would be delivered on my doorstep The trash cans were taken down on Thursdays Water bottles were filled once a week with alkaline water He liked doing the dishes Even if he grew tired of the company
And yes I did a lot for him Constant head rubs through his hair as he drove us towards our adventures
Little adventures for him ~ HUGE adventures for me I once did cranial sacral on him to calm his anxiety I made him the healthiest meal’s balancing his omega sixes threes and nine’s Tonic elixirs and other surprises in the morning I had learned not to upset him That Tongue was brutal
But every relationship no matter how strong has a karmic cycle to go through Our’s felt like a war a war with casualties on every corner there were land mines everywhere you had to watch your step too many people in the ballgame All from the past Many reaching for a handout And many who knew he had a fragile mind out to cause confusion I woke one day and had lost hope I couldn’t see a future anymore Not like this Not without healthy boundaries
I began to feel unprotected I started to get E-mails Phone calls And even horrible comments on my social media from his past This went on the whole time The entire length of our union And all along I was called “crazy”
But I began to see my part in it as well I began taking from him like the others In order to heal myself and heal my heart I had to recognize my part in a very good very beautiful thing that went very wrong
I loved way too much And yes, I lost my health and myself in the process He loved way to Little And gave way too much out of his own fear of being alone.
And I couldn’t go back when he returned I hadn’t yet learned my lesson Nor had he I hadn’t recognized that my... beautiful food displays my daily yoga practice my nature hikes with the dogs and my smile had escaped me
I had forgotten how to get to the farmers market that I had spent every Sunday at for the past six years...I had lost my way
I ran into him the other day He was at my favorite grocery store The store he always said “he hated” I found it bewildering Why now Our spirit guides wanted us to see something That we were different Yet still the same A little older now A bit wiser But still up to the same
I grabbed my strength and walked up to him I stroked my hand across his back and gave him a wave as I walked away My heart felt a butterfly But as I left the store the butterfly flew away I knew that now... Now I was healed my heart was back in tact my souls calling stood before me I had found my peace Not from looking outside myself But from going within I now know whatever is for me ....I need not walk after chase after Or ever feel the need to look after Whatever is for me lays in destiny’s hands And he she it ....will seek me in its most authentic form of creation.
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